SpySat Succotash… Cooking Up All Those Press Releases…

January 17, 2008

Oh, that bane of the civilized world… the United States… and its rotten, filthy, uncaring spy satellite that’s about to crash down and ruin many a life and country by smacking someone upside the head and depositing some ruinous form of hazardous material into the life stream… well, you’d think Chicken Little was, indeed, alive and managed most of the world’s media outlets. Let’s review what was being said about the spy satellite failure last week and during this past weekend…

As you may know, and as some believe, the master of deception, lies and misfortune, President Bush, has authorized a U.S. missile to shoot down the U.S. spy satellite as it heads to Earth. The spysat is believed to have been built by Lockheed Martin for the National Reconnaissance Office. Sounds as though this is a repeat of a megaflick that starred Bruce Willis, but we believe he is currently tied up on other matters, so he won’t be involved—too bad, really—if he were, it’d be a success! His movies prove it!

We wonder how long it will take before a government oversight committee, complete with illusionary egos, decide to investigate this national crisis. After all, these are employees of the taxpayers and they must act the part of being seemingly intent on doing something worthwhile… why, the shattered sat would be right up their alley! They have little else to occupy their time, as proven by their kangaroo antics as they tackled (and got nowhere) regarding human growth hormone (HGH) and steroid use by baseball professionals. They could also claim such an investigation into the satellite situation is “for the children”, just as they did when they interrogated baseball’s super pitcher Roger Clemens in the hearing room.

The proposed method of satellite destruction will be via an Aegis missile, launched from a U.S. Navy guided missile cruiser located somewhere in the northern hemisphere in the Pacific Ocean. (Osama bin Laden, whose middle name is actually “dustbin”, had it officially changed due to his allergy to dust) had hoped to be present to disrupt the proceedings. Unfortunately, his swim mask would not accommodate his beard and he also hates getting wet, which is surprising, as cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Starting off the splatsat info parade will be the Russian Defense Minister who indicated the entire satellite missile targeting and destruction is merely an undercover test by the United States to determine how well their technology can be applied to destroying enemy missiles… yep, that’s what he said, “enemy missiles”. So what? If an “enemy” missile is heading your way, the certainty that your nation would do all in its power to halt such a destructive force using a confirmed and previously tested process would be hailed as brilliant! The falling satellite isn’t from a foreign nation—it’s a U.S. satellite! Who better to attempt to shoot it down than the originating nation? The remainder of his message indicates the U.S. is simply improving their capabilities in shooting down other nations’ satellites, as well. And, of course, the U.S. satellite shoot down is MUCH different than the one accomplished by the Chinese not so long ago. At least the U.S. satellite will be probably be destroyed, while thousands and thousands of Chinese bits continue to dance the dosedo in orbit, threatening other nations’ satellites with destruction from even a glancing blow of their debris. And then that country’s foreign minister has the audacity to indicate Beijing is watching the situation closely and may take “preventative measures” to ensure the security situation in space is not undermined by this U.S. venture. Yeah, right… perhaps they should look to their own militarization of space as we note it was one of their ground-based missiles destroying a satellite. Doesn’t this reflect upon something concerning stones and glass houses?

What is this exercise going to cost U.S. taxpayers? Pentagon officials are leaking to the press the shoot down will run between $40 and $60 million, with the spysat cost being $10 million to manufacture. One of the problems revolves around the fact that the satellite ceased functioning almost immediately after its was launched… uh-oh, full fuel tanks, to the tune of about 1,000 pounds of hydrazine which is, yes, toxic. Pundits enjoy their five minutes of fame to state that the fuel tank will not break up in the atmosphere and will shower fumes of the deadly kind over an area about two American football fields in size.

Three SM-3 missiles have been modified to strike the satellite, according to the Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, James Cartwright. He also offers an assessment of about an 80 percent chance of success of hitting the satellite as it approaches an altitude of about 150 miles above ye ol’ Earth. And the lucky country over which remnants are expected to fall is… Ireland! (Just avoid the Guinness breweries, PLEASE!) And here’s a term we always enjoy seeing in print… “enthusiasts” of the astronomical kind believe satellite debris will land in the area somewhere between County Cork to Count Donegal. Perhaps a few will be out and about attempting to retrieve bits and pieces for auction on eBay. The satellite Bus will actually fly over a majority of the Earth’s surface, from Ireland to a part of Scotland (aye, laddies and lassies, enough reason, to be sure, for a hearty dram or two…) to the southern end of Latin America (sî, señor, mas margueritas, por favor!).

The goal of this missile launch is to target the fuel tank… the resulting “explosion” should definitely “minimize” the amount of fuel that will then fall upon the Earth. The extremely good news for our intrepid astronauts aboard the shuttle Atlantis in that they will have made it safely back home before the shoot down of the spysat. Atlantis should return this Wednesday to the Kennedy Space Center. According to Atlantis commander Steve Frick, “It’s obvious to us the Department of Defense and NASA have worked closely together to make sure that there is no problem. We don’t have any concerns.” The spysat should make its presence known in our planet’s humble atmosphere on, or about, March 6th.

Oh, by the way, if the missile strike is NOT successful, should you happen upon a rather warm, spherical metal tank in your daily wanderings, remain at least 600 feet away from it, as that’s the fuel tank’s “danger zone”. The shuttle Columbia possessed similar fuel tanks when it exploded and broke apart in February of 2002 over East Texas. And the oh, so, uncaring U.S. government has pledged its assistance to “mitigate the consequences” of debris that might end up bothering other countries. All such expenses are in line with an international treaty signed in 1972 and ratified by the U.S., wherein damage caused by descending space objects would be paid for by the offending party.

Of course, if any sophisticated spy equipment does survive re-entry through the Earth’s atmosphere, and others locate the downed materials, the U.S. government would certainly appreciate their immediate return – we bet the shipping costs would be covered!